You know that one friend you have when you're younger that your parents just do not approve of? I'm that person to the blogger part of your brain. "Don't get involved...you'll end up with your heart broken." I'm going to break it down to nine solid reasons why my blog is a huge waste of your time...and one reason why you need to stick around.
I can’t work Twitter.
OK, I can work it. But I just think I'm Twitter-ally challenged. If I think of something tweet-worthy, it always feels a bit forced. By the time I’ve put my food down (I’m ALWAYS eating, fyi.), found my phone, unlocked it, and opened the app...seasons have passed and the moment is gone. Oh, and another thing - there will be no handy bitly link for you to stumble upon as you scroll through your favourite hashtags. You have to come straight to the source - I'm too lazy to meet you anywhere else. But when you do finally get here, I'll always have the virtual kettle on. Milk and two?
I don’t have a vlog.
Which is probably just as well, considering the only camera I have is a 3 megapixel beauty that just happened to come built into my phone that I never tweet from.
I’m not fashionable.
Nope — you won’t find any arty OOTD pics or #fashinspo here. I’m just lucky if I can find two socks that match in the morning. I should be much more fashionable than I am, considering the amount of money I spend on clothes...but I'm working on it.
I don’t eat healthily.
Quinoa is a city in Mexico. Kale is a mountain in Colorado. Herbal tea is disgusting. I'm completely clueless, and a little bit ignorant, when it comes to nutrition. Sticking to a healthy eating routine is so hard, right? Right?! It’s not? Well then, you’re expectations are far too high for this blog. Go home, kid. You don't belong here. *shameless plug* check out my new Instagram @dietsanddonuts where I'm documenting everything I eat in an attempt to stop eating so much. Trolls welcome! We gotta get this beach bod cookin.
I’m probably not even supposed to be blogging.
I'm pretty sure if my boss found out I had a blog I'd lose my job. I write for a living... so every letter I type is like gold dust. OK - not really. But I'm being a bit of a shady Shirley.
I have a puppy.
Since my last post, I got a puppy. He's the bloody love of my life and I'll talk about him all day every day if people will listen. It won't be long before he's popping up on the blog, so if you hate cutest-dog-in-the-world stuff, you better keep your distance.
I get severe writers block.
Sometimes I can sit and thrash out three blog posts in one sitting...sometimes it takes me weeks to finish one. This entry started out as 9 reasons why you shouldn't read my blog - now I've put myself out of my own misery and cut it down to 8 so that we can all move on with our lives.
I hardly ever blog.
Seriously — there’ll be no weekly post or schedule or reason to my posting. It’s like sex. You’ll get it when you get it and you’ll be happy about it, alright?
Did I just call myself sex? Yes, I did.
And why you should?
I'm a voice in your head. You're going to relate to the things I have to say, or the things that I do. I'm going to be completely honest in every sentence I type...for better or for worse.
And can we address the fact that I haven't even explained why I haven't blogged for months? Mysterious, huh?
That's me! The unhealthy, unfashionable, disorganised, mysterious sex machine.
(The flat upstairs has been blasting out Westlife's greatest hits the whole time I've been writing this post. We're now on Unbreakable and I've been pushed to my limit. SO MANY KEY CHANGES.)
Thanks for reading! Come back soon.
Not too soon - there will be nothing new for you to read.
Toodles!
