Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Bags and boys.

I don’t even want to get into the topic of balls, or how much time men spend fondling them. But ol’ Carrie was definitely onto something here… I do feel naked without my bag. 

The insecurity that comes with going bag free in public is baffling – especially considering the fact that nothing of any great importance is ever in there. 99% of the time, my bag is essentially made up of makeup that’s not even on my face that day… and a never-ending stock of receipts (Sidenote: I never return anything anyway). But without it, I just feel incomplete. 
Boys do not understand this turmoil.

It’s usually a toss-up between “Why do you need a huge bag – what’s in here?!” and “It’s tiny – what could you possibly fit in here?!” but my answer is always the same – MIND YO’ BUSINESS.

Yes, we may ask you to hold our bag occasionally when we have more important stuff to tend to. But that doesn’t mean that we like knowing the bag is right there, by our side should we need it. Yes, we probably will change our entire outfit in favour of the bag if, when asked “Does this bag go with my outfit?, you hesitate for even a millisecond. And no, we won’t stop our mad bag-lady ways, so quit bugging us about it.

Back off, boys - you're fighting a losing battle. Put it this way - what if we told you that you couldn’t rearrange your bits/heat your mits/grab em in a LAD like manner in public for a whole day? Carnage. It would be utter carnage.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Writings on the wall.

It's 1am on a night out. Drinks have been spilled down my dress, makeup has started sliding down my face, and I've fallen out with everyone except that one girl in the group that I can't usually stand to be around, because "she's the only one who really understands me". Before buying her a drink and planning a summer holiday with her, nature calls and I stagger my way to the toilets.

I breeze into a stall and relieve myself of those seven gins and four jagerbombs. I suddenly find myself in the cubicle of life, pondering all of lives little questions that are sweeping through my brain faster than that last shot at the bar. I feel myself being drawn to the scribblings on the walls, wondering the stories behind them...

I turn and look to my left. Now - generally speaking, Richie is a boys name. I highly doubt that Richie has snuck his way into the ladies lavvy to express his 'eva'-lasting love for Holly on the cubicle wall. Has Holly done this, knowing in her heart of hearts that Richie does and always will love her? Is she a jilted ex who is taking time out of her 'I don't need no man!" bravado to miss him in the safety of the cubicle of life? Let it out Holly... no one can hurt you in here.

I turn to my right, and feel instantly bad for Elaine. Does she really smell like shit? Or is this just the result of a quarrel out on the dancefloor earlier that night? Long gone are the days of song lyrics and phone numbers - we're now choosing to diss while we piss. I'm suddenly suspicious of the use of pen over the popular scratching-into-the-paint method. Who comes out to a nightclub with a Biro? This was not a spontaneous act... Elaine was doomed from the start. I decide there and then not to trust whoever wrote this. Elaine, you probably smell wonderful - I've got your back.

I can't help but wonder if my name is scribbled on the wall somewhere in this world - is someone professing their undying love for me, or stating that I smell like shit? 

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

The Ex Motto.

I wrote this post a while back, before Bloglovin scooped me up into it's loving arms. Apologies if you've already seen it, but after experiencing my friend almost go through the dreaded ex-meet last weekend, I decided to repost! So here you have it...

The Ex Motto

When it comes to dressing myself in the morning, my motto is simple: kit out like you’re going to run into an ex-boyfriend. Smart or Shallow? Conceited or Insecure? Probably all of the above. But I challenge any single girl to disagree with me! Of course you want to look like the one that got away - but at what cost?

I’m on night shift in a busy bar on the night a local football team has taken home the cup. By the end of the night I find myself sweaty, cranky and stinking of a putrid punch of lager, vodka and jagermeister. Upon my arrival home, I flop down onto the couch and swear to myself I will not, for love nor money, get out of my pyjamas the following day. Yes, I spent the majority of my day lying on the couch. Yes, I made my way through four chick flicks one after the other in a desperate bid to relocate my inner female following eight straight hours of testosterone fuelled singing and banter from the bar the night before. However, in pyjamas I am not. I am in fact fully clothed, hair done with a full face of makeup.

 My justification? That motto. That damn motto.

I’m not alone in this. Take, for example, the unsuspecting girl popping to the shops for a birthday card in her trackie bottoms and hangover hoody after a rather messy night out (this is starting to sound less and less hypothetical…). You think to yourself, ‘I’ll only be out ten minutes, who’s going to see me?’ so head out into the big bad sods law world as you are; a mess. Making it to the shopping centre – success. Grabbing the first card in sight – Success. Not being able to look the cashier in the eye because you know how awful you look – Success. Sort of. 
Walking out the shop and practically bulldozing your ex-boyfriend….absolutely priceless. 

You think back to when you were getting dressed that morning. Back to that moment you couldn’t decide between your sweats, and the tight jeans and ‘I’M OVER YOU’ t-shirt… Why Rachael. Why do you do this to yourself? He looks at you with a sympathetic smile, making a half-arsed attempt to hide his smugness. 

Then, and only then, do you notice the pretty little thing accompanying him. Resist, I repeat, resist urge to punch her right in her cute button nose.

It’s not her fault. She was just following the motto.

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Picking an outfit.

Three little words – one huge task.

I have a work night out tomorrow night. I've known about it for weeks, shrugged it off in the past seven days, and felt that now – the day before – was the right time to start planning an outfit.  

I'm suddenly repulsed by everything I own – must buy something new.
Everyone will want a photo taken with me – gotta look goooood.
If I don't get this outfit right, society as a whole is going to shun me.
Oh - none of the above are true? I'm just going to carry on behaving like they are anyway…

As I was trying to explain to a male colleague this morning – 24 hours is a very tight window for arranging the outfit, the back-up outfit and the back-up for the back-up when I come to realise that I hate everything I've already picked. Suddenly, I'm trying to piece together three outfits in a matter of hours, can't find those shoes I was going to wear and I'm breaking out in cold sweats. I'M NOT A SUPERHUMAN.

Even once I've picked the outfits, I'm really only half way there. Take option one, for example: white shirt, leather trousers, black heels. Pretty manageable, right? Then reality hits…



See where I’m going with this? Even once I’ve found something to wear, my mind is already trying to talk me out of it. It comes down to this – wear the outfit you want but be someone else for the night, or find something mediocre to wear and be the drunken riot that everyone knows and loves! I already know the answer. I’ll give you a hint: it involves gin. But that won’t stop me obsessing over it until the last minute when I’m forced to make a decision and spend the rest of the night regretting it.

Why the overwhelming need to look perfect on a night out? Comments below, please! 

Friday, 7 March 2014

Why I'm a non blogger.

Some of you might wonder why I don't post too many images on my blog. Then again, maybe you don't - but I'ma tell ya why anyway! 
It's because I have a tail. A huge, bushy tail.

Seriously, though!
The beauty of bloggers is that they come in all shapes, sizes, voices, styles...
But I've noticed, while looking at all your lovely photos, that there are a few common factors in my fave blogs...all of which are missing from my life.

A small dog
Whether they're curled up on a bed, snuggled up with you on the couch or out on a walk in the woods, there are loads of these little guys popping up all over the blogosphere and giving me serious puppy envy! For a long time, this little guy was called 'Pinterest puppy' until I found out what breed he was - a dapple dachshund!

A decent mobile phone
A phone has never been much more to me than something to call on/text on/use as a ploy when that creepy guy's showing a bit too much interest at the bar.Outside of social media and Bloglovin (sweet, sweet Bloglovin) I'm not much of an app guy either, so my only other request is that the phone has a decent camera. That is - until I got an online deal without testing the phone first. Helloooo 2MP camera! Goodbyyyye decent photos.

A cream bedroom
Oh no. No, no, no, no. Are you serious?! Girls - how do you get through daily life without dropping/scuffing/staining something? 
There's not an inch in my room where I could take a photo without my floordrobe, mounds of makeup, mismatched furniture photobombing. I could only dream of one day having a beautiful, crisp cream bedroom like so many that I spot on your blogs. I'm just not house trained enough to maintain one. 
Such magical tricks and tips should be shared in the comments below. A'thank you.

A tablet/decent laptop
Finally - we come to the machine that makes it all happen. Or not happen, in my case. Remember before flatscreen TVs we had industrial size televisions? I have an industrial laptop. It's old, slow, has never had a sniff of anti-virus software on it in it's life, and weighs more than my car. 
I have started saving for a tablet (thanks to many bloggers' recommendations!) and hope to someday be able to fulfil my dream of writing, editing and publishing a post all in one night. That'd be nifty, wouldn't it? 
So if you don't hear from me for a few days, assume that I'm wrestling this bad boy to the ground.


Wednesday, 5 March 2014

The Liebster Award Post!

Well this is a nifty little thing, isn't it? I was nominated by darbx to take part in the Liebster Award (which I had to Google by the way) - a post to help boost a blog's reputation if you have under 200 followers - thanks Darby!

There are a lot of questions here, so bear with me - but take comfort in knowing that by the end, you'll probably know me better than I know myself. You'll also notice that I pretty much make up my own rules in my answers - 'tell me one thing...': lists a million things. Enjoy!

The rules
·         Make a post about the Leibster Award and thank the blogger who nominated you
·         Write 11 interesting things about yourself
·         Answer the 11 questions created by the blogger who nominated you
·         Nominate 11 other bloggers (who have less than 200 followers) and notify them about the nomination
·         Write 11 new questions for your nominees   

11 facts about me...
1. Sarcasm is my choice of humour, my defence mechanism, my charm and my way of coping with awkward situations. So... it's pretty much 24/7.
2. I've never been able to blow my nose. Yep, seriously. I just gotta put in some serious dabbing time with the tissues.
3. I was vegetarian for two whole years until one Christmas Eve when I caught a whiff of my mum's spaghetti bolognese.
4. I'm suuuper laid back - to a fault, probably!
5. I don't like cats. And I'm not even sorry.
6. I want to be part of the Made In Chelsea cast. The part that's with Proudlock ALL THE TIME. Mmm.
7. I don't eat sliced bread, but I'll chow down on a crusty loaf and a pack of Lurpak til the cows come home/my heart gives out.
8. University gave me two best friends, the love of my life and countless drunken memories. I recommend it for these reasons alone.
9. I am the only middle child I know who doesn't have a complex about it.
10. I'm hungry - and it's still half an hour until lunch time.
11. I will instantly hate and want to change all 11 facts as soon as this post is published.

Questions from darbx...

1. Ant or Dec?
I always had a crush on Dec when I was younger... I'm talking SMTV days though! 

2. What is your one beauty product that you cannot live without?
I'm going through my entire makeup collection in my head right now... umm, I suppose I'd say my Rimmel Stay Matte Mousse Foundation - I don't leave the house without it on! 

3. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
I'd wish for two wishes. I'd use one to wish that I was rich. That probably sounds really shallow, but there are things I want to do and see, people I want to help - and money would let me do that. And a puppy. I wish I had a puppy. 

4. How do you like your popcorn - sweet, salty, buttery, plain?
My favourite is sun dried tomato and Worcester sauce popcorn! But if I had to choose, I'd say sweet.  

5. What is/was your favourite subject in school?
My favourite was Art, until my teacher broke me down and told me I wasn't good enough. In hindsight, I was.

6. Where in the world would you most like to travel?
At the moment it's New York, but I want to go EVERYWHERE.

7. Favourite fragrance?
Chance by Chanel.

8. Your opinion on One Direction...
I'm not too fussed about their music - but Zayn would definitely get one.

9. What is your favourite past time?
I should say blogging - but it's shopping. Has been, is, and will always be... shopping!

10. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
I hope to see myself happy, living in another country, continuing to do a job that I love and sharing it with a guy that I love!

11. What is at the top of your bucket list?
To write someone's favourite book.

I nominate:

My questions to you!

1. How would you describe your blog?
2. Where is your favourite place in the world?
3. What are you scared of?
4. Who is your favourite blogger?
5. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your days, what would it be?
6. What is your life motto?
7. What does your idea of a perfect future entail?
8. Cosy night in or wild night out?
9. Which piece of advice would you give to your younger self?
10. What are your three makeup must haves?
11. What has been your favourite ever blog post? Add a link!

Okaayyyyy so that's it! I feel like I've aged twenty years since writing this post, but I'm glad I did! 

Good luck to those who have been nominated, and thanks again to Darby!

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Healthy Living

My favourite part of a salad is the croutons.
My favourite type of fruit is piled high on a cheesecake.
My favourite type of water is the stuff dripping from the ice in my gin.

There's a chubby little pattern going on here, incase you hadn't noticed.

Being healthy should be right there at the top of my priority list. I know this. We all know this. But a lot of us don't take it seriously enough - I know I don't!
Oh, hey - I'm just having a little snack...

I'm not a skinny minnie, and I love my food. I must have a decent metabolism for all the rubbish I shovel into my tum on a daily basis! Recently I've started working out regularly(er than before...) and drinking a lot more water - which I can confirm does wonders for your skin and energy... just like everyone has been saying this whole time. Who knew eh!

Something that I'd never thought about when I got into blogging was the amount I'd learn from other bloggers. The amount of recipes/exercises/motivational stories I've read have really contributed towards the (small) changes I've been making to my lifestyle recently.
High five, bloggers! 

For any other hungry little hamsters like me, here are some lifestyle/fitness blogs that I love! 
Meet Faya - Let her feed you, dress you, and hurt your muscles. Warning: girl crush likely.
This website has hundreds of recipes for you to choose from -  the majority are user friendly and they're all pretty good for you! Win win.
I only recently came across Natalie's blog but I find it really refreshing to read. She isn't a health professional/doesn't seem to get involved in any fad diets - she's just a girl who wants to eat healthy and have a right good sweaty workout!

It's the beginning of March and the start of my 30 day birthday shred. I'm trying something I haven't tried before - losing weight without a diet. Just healthy eating, regular excercise and a few treats in between to keep me on the wagon. I don't think I'll be blogging about it, but I may just post pictures of my post-squat booty/sweaty pits on my Instagram.

Don't all rush over there at once!