Wednesday, 22 July 2015

8 reasons why you shouldn't read my blog... and 1 reason why you should.

You know that one friend you have when you're younger that your parents just do not approve of? I'm that person to the blogger part of your brain. "Don't get'll end up with your heart broken." I'm going to break it down to nine solid reasons why my blog is a huge waste of your time...and one reason why you need to stick around.

I can’t work Twitter.
OK, I can work it. But I just think I'm Twitter-ally challenged. If I think of something tweet-worthy, it always feels a bit forced. By the time I’ve put my food down (I’m ALWAYS eating, fyi.), found my phone, unlocked it, and opened the app...seasons have passed and the moment is gone. Oh, and another thing - there will be no handy bitly link for you to stumble upon as you scroll through your favourite hashtags. You have to come straight to the source - I'm too lazy to meet you anywhere else. But when you do finally get here, I'll always have the virtual kettle on. Milk and two?

I don’t have a vlog.
Which is probably just as well, considering the only camera I have is a 3 megapixel beauty that just happened to come built into my phone that I never tweet from. 

I’m not fashionable.
Nope — you won’t find any arty OOTD pics or #fashinspo here. I’m just lucky if I can find two socks that match in the morning. I should be much more fashionable than I am, considering the amount of money I spend on clothes...but I'm working on it. 

I don’t eat healthily.
Quinoa is a city in Mexico. Kale is a mountain in Colorado. Herbal tea is disgusting. I'm completely clueless, and a little bit ignorant, when it comes to nutrition. Sticking to a healthy eating routine is so hard, right? Right?! It’s not? Well then, you’re expectations are far too high for this blog. Go home, kid. You don't belong here. *shameless plug* check out my new Instagram @dietsanddonuts where I'm documenting everything I eat in an attempt to stop eating so much. Trolls welcome! We gotta get this beach bod cookin.

I’m probably not even supposed to be blogging.
I'm pretty sure if my boss found out I had a blog I'd lose my job. I write for a living... so every letter I type is like gold dust. OK - not really. But I'm being a bit of a shady Shirley.

I have a puppy.
Since my last post, I got a puppy. He's the bloody love of my life and I'll talk about him all day every day if people will listen. It won't be long before he's popping up on the blog, so if you hate cutest-dog-in-the-world stuff, you better keep your distance. 

I get severe writers block.
Sometimes I can sit and thrash out three blog posts in one sitting...sometimes it takes me weeks to finish one. This entry started out as 9 reasons why you shouldn't read my blog - now I've put myself out of my own misery and cut it down to 8 so that we can all move on with our lives.

I hardly ever blog.
Seriously — there’ll be no weekly post or schedule or reason to my posting. It’s like sex. You’ll get it when you get it and you’ll be happy about it, alright?

Did I just call myself sex? Yes, I did.

And why you should?
I'm a voice in your head. You're going to relate to the things I have to say, or the things that I do. I'm going to be completely honest in every sentence I type...for better or for worse.
 And can we address the fact that I haven't even explained why I haven't blogged for months? Mysterious, huh?
 That's me! The unhealthy, unfashionable, disorganised, mysterious sex machine.

(The flat upstairs has been blasting out Westlife's greatest hits the whole time I've been writing this post. We're now on Unbreakable and I've been pushed to my limit. SO MANY KEY CHANGES.)

Thanks for reading! Come back soon.
Not too soon - there will be nothing new for you to read.


Thursday, 17 April 2014

Do It Like A Dude

If you could be anyone else for a day - who would you be?

I'd be a dude. Definitely. Any lad in the whoooole world... just for a day.

This was today's little daydream. It's 1.14pm, I've finished my cashew nuts, and I'm contemplating life - with seven Asos tabs open for casual browsing, obv. I found myself looking at Asos Men, and I got to thinking about how I'd dress if I were a bloke. Then I threw in what that bloke would be like, just for a laugh.

The results are below. Hang onto your hats folks - it's about to get weird up in here.
The inoffensive cardi-bloke. 

I'm the strong silent type. I like to make out that I don't know anything about 'fashion', but I know exactly what I'm doing. The crisp white buttoned up shirt to contrast my surfer boy hair, a mardigan (man's cardigan - duh) thrown on top to show you how beefy my shoulders are...
Ladies - this was no accident.


I am man. I have beard. I wear jumper. End of.
I look pretty...sad, right? Probably because my jumper isn't really even that thick. And my ridiculous beard led my girlfriend to dump me. 
Maybe if I'd put more thought into my fashion sense than my facial hair, life would be better.
Probably not. 
Beardy beard beard <3

The logo lad.

I know about fashion, and I want you to know that I know about fashion. But really - I don't know anything about fashion. If it's in the shop window, I've already bought it baby. You like that, huh? Maybe one night I could take you out to dinner, sit across from you wearing this ridiculous sweatshirt, and let you feel inferior to the babe on my chest all night. 

THEN I thought (oh god, she's still thinking) - guy bashing aside - I wonder if they categorize us as ridiculously as I just have, based on what we wear. What would they say about what I'm wearing right now?

Then I remember - when it comes round to a guy, and a guys state of mind - he whole heartedly doesn't give a shit. 
This is why I could, and should, never be a guy. I definitely think too much.

Wait - I take it back. I'd be Zac Efron for a day. I'd be Zac Efron all day. Every day.
What a nifty lil gif-ty.

What kind of bloke would you be?

Sunday, 6 April 2014


Birthdays are beautiful things. They bring us together with our families. They bring us cake. And they bring us vouchers. Oohhh boy, do they bring us vouchers...

Here's a little peek at some of the birthday threads I've bought this week - sorry about the vile photography. I toyed with the idea of buying a decent camera a while back, but chose to buy new clothes instead. The day I almost bought an iPhone I was probably distracted by a shoe sale. I hope you can see the pattern here...

Blog world - meet coat. She's a beauty int she? And only £20 from the wondrous! Well worth taking the bash of just fitting in a size L thanks to their tiny Chinese sizing. 
Sweden is an awesome country. Have I ever been? Well, no. But if she keeps hurlin' shoes like this my way for £15 with free p&p... I'm takin that bitch out for margaritas. 
I'm a skirt guy now. Yes I am. Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am. Shout out to Mama Bear or the Zara voucher that brought this beautiful skirt/jumper combo into my life! 

So there you go - that's my haul!
Did I do it right?